Golf

I am golfing again. I'm not a good golfer. I kind of golf like teenagers fuck...excited, inept, and when I do get it right, I'm never quite sure how to duplicate the action that was the reason for my joy in the first place. When I was younger we would drunken golf which, just like the teenager comparison, alcohol helped, even if you did badly, who cares you're drunk right!? Now I am mature, responsible and, since my golf buddy has Alzheimer’s, I am obligated to have all my mental facilities at my disposal. We usually play with not too much incidence. I remind him to T up and not drive with his putter and he kills me on the fair way since he has years golfing experience. Today was an off day. He was playing badly and I was a chipping fool! Here's the twist, on four of the holes he played my ball, but only when I had the better shot at the green! I know, kind of "par for the course" when you are golfing with the forgetful but I am beginning to wonder if he's playing the "Alzheimer’s card". Girls play the "girl card" all the time so if you have an Alzheimer’s card in your deck why not use it? I knew one lady with Alzheimer’s who told people off, drank her cocktail nightly, and talked to me about "dating" her bosses son behind his back when she was young. She's one of my favorite people. After meeting her I used to worry about getting Alzheimer’s because I would tell all my secrets. Now I think to hell with it, a better shot on the green and I don't have any real regrets about anyone or anything I've done anyway. Honestly I regret more of the things I chose not to do. The worst thing that could happen would be me telling complete strangers "I should have slept with him" instead of my friend M anyway right? I could use the Alzheimer’s card as my pick up line, "Did we fuck once?" Who knows.....? It could work!

Michelle Dugger and Pez

My sense of humor has finally paid off! One of the local radio stations was giving away movie tickets to the best celebrity new years resolution. I won. My answer, Michelle Dugger should give her uterus a rest for the year and not give birth for an entire year. The DJ was shocked by my bluntness. He said, "You don't pull any punches." He didn't know I did. What I didn't mention on the radio is why would anyone want to become a human pez dispenser? That's my new sick toy, a Michelle Dugger pez dispenser that opens in the middle (just like her c-section incision) and spurts out pink and blue candies. Just think, all of us sinners can woof down little pink and blue Duggers. It will be important to make sure that same "touched" blue-eyed glow that gleams from her eyes. You know the look she has, it makes you wonder if she's been hypnotized like in those weird Scooby Doo episodes with the freaky sound effects and swirly eyes. I will admit I watch the show 17 and counting. It's like crack. It fulfills my need to point and laugh. I'm waiting for the episode where her uterus falls out. I know it can happen because it happened to one of my step-sisters. It taught her to "new baby" everyone (for those who don't know new babying is the practice of getting knocked up after hearing the news of the pregnancy of another family member so you always have the "new baby"). My favorite episode so far, the poor woman pops out 17 kids 18 on the way (picture the pez dispenser shooting them out or better yet the scene in Gremlins when they get him wet) and her husband lectures her about wanting a NEW diaper bag. "Honey remember", he says, "buy used and save the rest" and there she is "OK" with her Scooby Doo swirly eyes. Maybe if Velma and Shaggy can snap her out of it she will realize he should be buying a good hooker now and then or a diaphragm, or at least let Daphne teach her how to swallow.

Harry Potter and Spiderman "It's a good thing"

A friend and I were talking last week. They were interviewing Daniel Radcliffe on Bravo.
Me: Damn, did you know the kid who plays Harry Potter is on Broadway naked? It's play about a guy who copulates and kills horses. Something's just wrong with me I want to go see him naked. It just makes me feel wrong.
Friend: No you're not wrong he's not a kid anymore, have you seen him without a shirt he's hot.
Yes this is the stupid s%*t women of my paticular age talk about. Guy's remember where you were at 16? We are there now and even childhood stars aren't safe.
I'm curious about my Daniel Radcliffe facsination and I think it runs on the same line as my Tobey Maguire crush. To be blunt, not that I'm ever any other way, Tobey is just so sweet and pure and I just want to make him dirty. I want to change that cute schoolboy smile to a you'll never believe what we just did smirk. I have a friend who is crazy about Martha Stewart. I'm not sure which is sicker me corrupting Harry Potter or him, Martha Stewart, and a kitchen counter!
I think my friend is right if guys can ogle the Olsen twins we can ogle Harry and Spiderman.

It's official I'm a redneck

My oldest and I have always been close, other than that awkward teenage stage when all kid's secure their head up their own ass and still manage to mouth off. I'm thankful that it only took two years for him to re-adjust his head and his attitude. I am lucky enough to get to spend time with him, probably because we are a lot alike and enjoy the same things. Today we had the ultimate redneck bonding. We got our FOID cards together. May I just say FOID cards are bullshit. It is our constitutional right to bear arms (until Homeland Security takes that right away for our own good) Illinois is only one of two states that require them. So today we spent the afternoon filling out paperwork so we could own a gun. We discussed other redneck pursuits of pleasure shooting stuff up, the desire to kill deer, and which gun has the most stopping power. My Grandpa would have been proud. If only I had the 38 he threated to shoot anyone who pissed him off with the holy redneck trinity would be complete.

Auto Balls

As I drove to school today I followed a truck with balls. I mean real chrome balls. Guys help me out I don't get it. I am a firm believer in the big truck small penis theory, overcompensation I guess. But balls? Hint to men. The only time your balls are remotely cute is when they are tucked up like after a dip in the pool. Maybe they are making up for the lack of penis present and think "hey I better look cute or she won't like us" I don't know. These balls were saggy scrotum swaying in the breeze balls. I spent half of my first class with the "Do your balls hang low" song in my head. I googled the website out of curiosity where does one buy balls for your auto. I found it http://www.bullsballs.com/car/accessories.html Now anyone can have balls for as low as $17. My question is If the driver is being an asshole, does that make his truck taint?
I drive a Chevy S10 it's a 4 cylinder (Great at the pump) I have never had the desire to put a pair of tits on my truck. Maybe because my tits are big enough as it is.

Cats and Men

My Cat recently died. He is yet another fatality to the highway I live on. I am the first to admit I am not the most sentimental about my animals. In other words, I will not leave them money when I die, I will put them to sleep before I spend the price of a car in vet bills and I do not get easily attached. I'm sure it comes from my semi-farm girl upbringing. There was always the possibility of raising a piglet one day and then being asked how they taste six months later at the breakfast table ( yes that really did happen her name was Becky). I have been known to say "cats are are the bic lighters of pets". But I have now been struck with an epiphany. Cats aren't like bic lighters they are like men. One out of every ten stays out of the places they are supposed to, goes pee in the appropriate places and doesn't get on your damn nerves. In other words, I loved my kitty and miss him terribly. He would be laying on top of my chair behind me as I type this if he were here. My son wants to get me another but it's a crap shoot. I could end up with the clingy up your ass cat that doesn't give you space and ends up on the counters in the middle of the night. I figure I have to wait a while before I will have the heart to have another cat. I don't want the next one to be a rebound cat! Like men, my kitty left me waiting for him to show up at the back door in the middle of the night, cans of food that only he likes and a big box of shit.

Ok... I'm still a Freak

For those who know me this will not be a surprise but for those who don't, well you will. I used to live a very different life. Today while mowing my lawn I was reminded of this. I live on a busy road with lots of motorcycle traffic. As I pushed the mower on the hill of the main road, my green tennis shoes trudging along a biker yelled HEY!!! and gave me a gesture that is similar to a peace sign with tongue. I have two vices, bikes and red hair. Neither are good for me. This guy had both. I'm sure he meant to offend the sweaty small town mom with his gesture. But... I'm a freak. I took it as a compliment and smiled. Yes, I used to ride motorcycles, flash other bikers and "raise more than my fair share of hell".
I ask you Mr. Red haired biker, who would probably sleep with my friends or steal my jewelry as some redheads before you have done, why not put your money where your mouth is, so to speak? I'm sure some women would see this as a degrating gesture but I've lived too much to be easily offended. How dare you ride by, wag your tongue at me and just keep going. I'm hot, sweaty, single, and at my sexual peak so all you mangaged to do was make me horney. I see this as false advertising and unless you plan on being taken up on your offer keep your tongue in check.